I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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