party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
