Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
