You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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