While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
