in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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