does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
