I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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