apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
