He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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