Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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