Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
