the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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