You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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