mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
