I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
too bad you live with your parents still
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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