the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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