I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
