Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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