Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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