I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
