Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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