You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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