I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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