Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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