dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
