You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
