And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
