My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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