On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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