I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
