I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
