Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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