matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
