all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
