We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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