I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
