i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize