You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
