He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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