I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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