Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
