The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
