i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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