Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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