Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
