I CAN MOONWALK!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
