I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
