I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
