Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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