Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
