Apparently you make a good broom.
Your dad touched me again.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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