Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
