i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize