I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you win again, gameday.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorryâ€. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
