I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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