I swear she didn't look like that last week.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
did i walk over a car last night?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
