and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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