and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
