I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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