if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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