On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
