I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
