I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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