Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
